Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
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I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
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We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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