I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
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