I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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