i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
