Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
