dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
