Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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