why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
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Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
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It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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