Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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