I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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