We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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