eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
