when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
false alarm, still single
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
