I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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