dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
