Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
