bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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