eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
