I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I fill condoms, not promises.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
