When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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