Just mADE A PArabola og urine
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
