Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Randomize
