i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
i drank out of a bidet.
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His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
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I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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