Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
