Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
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