I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
