weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
