R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
