I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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