i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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