I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
