The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
