dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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