I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
