So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
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