so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
