i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
