I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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