oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
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