I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
