my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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