i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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