I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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