1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
