I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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