We named our party play list daddy issues
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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