Only a mothe r could love this liver
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
