my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Randomize
