I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Randomize
