my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Oh god it's open bar.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
