i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
