Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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