i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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