I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Vodka?
Forever.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
