I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
