he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
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