I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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