Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
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So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
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Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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