He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
