Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
